Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Hana and me

This is going to be a very emotional post and please ignore it if you think it's too much for you to digest. I've been asking myself whether I should sit in front of this laptop and do the post; my rational part tells me I shouldn't because I'll cry again and I might talk nonsense but my emotional part of me won the game and I'm here starting to pour out the random thoughts I've at the moment.

It's really hard for me to accept the fact that Hana isn't with us anymore and the worst part is that we weren't with her when she was sick. I can't stop imagining her alone at the vet's and she might be scared and wondering where we were all the time. I managed to talk to her before the vet gave her the jab and according to my sister, when Hana heard me calling her over the phone, she tried to sit up and she pricked up her easr to listen; she even looked at the phone and her mouth was moving like she had so much to tell me. I could only tell her that I love her so much and I was so very sorry that I wasn't there with her; I told her that she was a good girl and a good mummy and we will always remember her.

There are many things that I don't understand and I'm trying to find the answers out but it seems all these are impossible now. Hana was so young, not even 3 years old and we were planning to celebrate her birthday with Laura and me as all of us were born in March and I was thinking we would have the big birthday celebration in late March when Rosie comes home for her Easter break. I keep on asking why she had kidney failures and how it happened. Were there any signs before her collapse or is it that they were actually some signs which I didn't notice at all. I really can't stop blaming myself for not being able to spot those problems out earlier which we might be able to save her life.

When we got Hana home last November, we knew her skin was a bit sensitive and she had a heart enlargement problem but she had her heart tablet everyday. As I told you all before, 3 weeks after joining our family, she gave us her wonderful Eva which we love and adore so much since she was born. After the delivery, the hormone changes caused her lose her beautiful coat but her coat was recovering very well. I was waiting to see a Hana with a full grown coat.

We were really careful about her heart condition and took great care of her skin, while we were thinking we'd covered up every health problem of her, we didn't know there were the kidney failure and liver infections. I really don't know how it could happen within a short time. The vet did tell me that if I really wanted to find out the cause, he could send Hana's body for autopsy for the sake of getting the truth. No, I couldn't bear the thought of letting her suffer again and I told the vet to just let her rest and I think it was what she needed at that moment.

Hana was a very sweet girl. I still remember the day she became our family member vividly, Laura and Mika accepted her on that very day too. She was so gentle and calm. She made no fuss at home except she liked to nibble on those little twigs and dried leaves and she liked to dig and made some deep holes at one of the corners of the garden.I loved to have a walk with her as it was so easy to walk her. She would heel automatically and walk alongside you, without sniffing, pulling, or peeing. She was such a wonderful and well-behaved dog.

When Hana became a mother, she was allowed in the house (the first dog I had given permission to), and she would only sit if we lay down a blanket for her. She was confined to a small area in the kitchen but she never crossed the boundaries. She showed us what a wonderful mummy she was and always amazed me by the ways how she took care of Eva and how she taught and played with Eva. She's a fantastic mummy and I know Eva loved her very much too. It's always sweet to see both of the smiling in the pictures and knowing that they were always happy together.

With Mika, Hana was like a pup again. They would play, and she could keep running around him, begging him to chase her. They would nip at each other, jump at each other, and play just like pups. They were best friends.

When Hana first joined our family, she was very close to Laura. Laura was also very kind to her. They would lay close together, but Hana would never disturb her like Mika did. And if Mika tried to annoy Laura, she would pull his tail as if telling him to stop.

I don't know how to end this post and I think I will just stop here...


Sara said...

Hana knew you were there with her those last few moments, your voice was arms wrapped around her heart. Remember, a dog's ears work so much better than ours, she could feel your love through the phone line.

This is a time when we all question ourselves....what could we have done better? When in truth, there is no answer to that question. You did the best you could.

We are all here to listen, as you go through this grieving process. We are grieving along with you.

Ricky the Sheltie said...

We are definitely grieving along with you and I am glad you shared all your thoughts with us in this post. I agree that you did everything you could and possibly Hana just had more problems than anyone knew when she came to live with you. You gave her a wonderful home and helped her to be such a great mom to Eva and I know Hana felt you with her and knew how very much you loved her.

Emma Rose said...

Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Sadly, sometimes things are happening that we are not aware of and have no control over. Like kidneys failing or cancer growing. You gave her a wonderful love filled home. She was a very lucky girl. And you have part of her still in little Eva. We are all grieving with you and will keep you in our prayers.

The Duchess

Bandit's Pack said...

I don't think you could have done anything differently that would have changed the outcome. It sounds like she was just so sick there was nothing that could have turned things around. I'm sorry this happened to Hana, and to you. Unfortunately, Hana's time came much too soon. Life's not fair a lot of times. You are continually in my thoughts at this time. ♥♥♥

Sallie said...

Good writing always comes from the heart.

This is a powerful blog post. You put out that power and I believe it will come back to you in the form of love and strength.

Wishing you both.

Sallie and Dawn

Tanuki Maxx said...

You did your best and all that you could and i think Hana knows that. Be brave and know that we're with you all the way!

Maxx & Mommy

hero said...

Dear Priscilla,

You have given your best to Hana and she is smiling down upon us from above and wants you to know she's happy.

Licks, hero

Diana said...

Oh, Im so sorry this happened to you and your family. What a hard thing to deal with. Diana

Remington said...

My heart goes out to you....I am so sorry for your loss.

DSS said...

I only recently found your blog the other day, and very much enjoyed reading about your pups. It was obvious, even to me...a new reader, how loved Hana was. She knew that too :) She has left you such a beautiful leagacy in Eva.

Please know that my heart goes out to you. Doing the right thing for the dogs we love so much is so often heartbreaking for us.

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