Hana and me

This is going to be a very emotional post and please ignore it if you think it's too much for you to digest. I've been asking myself whether I should sit in front of this laptop and do the post; my rational part tells me I shouldn't because I'll cry again and I might talk nonsense but my emotional part of me won the game and I'm here starting to pour out the random thoughts I've at the moment.

It's really hard for me to accept the fact that Hana isn't with us anymore and the worst part is that we weren't with her when she was sick. I can't stop imagining her alone at the vet's and she might be scared and wondering where we were all the time. I managed to talk to her before the vet gave her the jab and according to my sister, when Hana heard me calling her over the phone, she tried to sit up and she pricked up her easr to listen; she even looked at the phone and her mouth was moving like she had so much to tell me. I could only tell her that I love her so much and I was so very sorry that I wasn't there with her; I told her that she was a good girl and a good mummy and we will always remember her.

There are many things that I don't understand and I'm trying to find the answers out but it seems all these are impossible now. Hana was so young, not even 3 years old and we were planning to celebrate her birthday with Laura and me as all of us were born in March and I was thinking we would have the big birthday celebration in late March when Rosie comes home for her Easter break. I keep on asking why she had kidney failures and how it happened. Were there any signs before her collapse or is it that they were actually some signs which I didn't notice at all. I really can't stop blaming myself for not being able to spot those problems out earlier which we might be able to save her life.

When we got Hana home last November, we knew her skin was a bit sensitive and she had a heart enlargement problem but she had her heart tablet everyday. As I told you all before, 3 weeks after joining our family, she gave us her wonderful Eva which we love and adore so much since she was born. After the delivery, the hormone changes caused her lose her beautiful coat but her coat was recovering very well. I was waiting to see a Hana with a full grown coat.

We were really careful about her heart condition and took great care of her skin, while we were thinking we'd covered up every health problem of her, we didn't know there were the kidney failure and liver infections. I really don't know how it could happen within a short time. The vet did tell me that if I really wanted to find out the cause, he could send Hana's body for autopsy for the sake of getting the truth. No, I couldn't bear the thought of letting her suffer again and I told the vet to just let her rest and I think it was what she needed at that moment.

Hana was a very sweet girl. I still remember the day she became our family member vividly, Laura and Mika accepted her on that very day too. She was so gentle and calm. She made no fuss at home except she liked to nibble on those little twigs and dried leaves and she liked to dig and made some deep holes at one of the corners of the garden.I loved to have a walk with her as it was so easy to walk her. She would heel automatically and walk alongside you, without sniffing, pulling, or peeing. She was such a wonderful and well-behaved dog.

When Hana became a mother, she was allowed in the house (the first dog I had given permission to), and she would only sit if we lay down a blanket for her. She was confined to a small area in the kitchen but she never crossed the boundaries. She showed us what a wonderful mummy she was and always amazed me by the ways how she took care of Eva and how she taught and played with Eva. She's a fantastic mummy and I know Eva loved her very much too. It's always sweet to see both of the smiling in the pictures and knowing that they were always happy together.

With Mika, Hana was like a pup again. They would play, and she could keep running around him, begging him to chase her. They would nip at each other, jump at each other, and play just like pups. They were best friends.

When Hana first joined our family, she was very close to Laura. Laura was also very kind to her. They would lay close together, but Hana would never disturb her like Mika did. And if Mika tried to annoy Laura, she would pull his tail as if telling him to stop.

I don't know how to end this post and I think I will just stop here...

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